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Midnight Thoughts

I feel so confused.  Not confused – its as if I’m lost but should know where I’m going.  Like I’m embarrassed to be where I am.  But I’m not, at least I don’t think.  I’m in college.  I’m going to pass all my classes.  What do I have to feel bad about?  I don’t deserve my own pity.  Bu I can’t hide this feeling of lost helplessness. It seems like a stereotype – the college student who thinks he’s got it all planned out but in reality, he’s dead in the water – worse off than that.

I’m lonely.  People surround me everyday, and yet I feel no real connection to anyone  What can I do?  Why am I so shitty?  I want to make friends but I’m not willing t make the first move?  How pathetic.  “just do it” my mind tells me and still I don’t.  Everyday my heart says to go after Lauren and everyday I convince myself that the feeling isn’t mutual.  If i tell her how I feel, I fear our friendship – one that I value above all others – will end.  The worst thing I could imagine is to be the demise of our friendship.  She just seems perfect for me.  For us.  We could be great together.  At lest I hope.  But for now I hide behind the guise of satisfaction.  I wish i could just grow some fucking balls and tell her how I feel.  Jesus, I sound like a shitty teen romance movie.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I just don’t understand myself.  Do I need to ‘find myself”? How do I do that?  Be in touch with nature?  Get really high?  What does it even mean to connect with something as weak as “my sense of self?”  What’s the point?  I see no solution.

I act like I’m comfortable with myself, but that’s all a load of shit.  All just to make myself more palatable for those few I decide to let in my life.  I’m so superficial I can smell it.  I never talk about myself or how I feel.  No one wants to hear about that shit.  Everyone wants to go about their day and pretend that they didn’t hear about that village in Africa that got slaughtered or that woman who was raped by her own father.  No one wants to hear about shit that will bring them down.  That’s why I don’t share.  I got nothing good to say about myself.  I’m done.

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(via tgfyp)

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